Poker Musings

So Ms. Fire's family has been in town for the past several years days causing me to miss the last 2 weekly neighborhood poker games. While I love my in-laws dearly, last night I felt the need to go stretch my legs a little, so I wandered across the street to see how the game was going. Fortunately for me, a couple of the players had already busted out so 4 of us decided to start a small $0.05/0.10 cash game with a $5 buy-in. I couldn’t play for long as the family was waiting at home, so I played for about half an hour or so.

I’ll skip the suspense—I pwned it.

In the big blind with AQ. Call, call, call and then “Raise it up!” from yours truly. To be fair, this was not a tricky game. Throw in $0.50, fold, fold, fold and I scoop $0.30.

Couple of hands later, TT in the big blind. Call, call, call and then “Raise it up!” from yours truly. To be fair, this was not a tricky game. Throw in $0.50, call, call, call. Flop comes K83. Check, and then “Raise it up!” from yours truly. Throw in $1.00. Fold, fold, fold and I scoop $1.50.

A few hands later, AQ on the button. Call, and then “Raise it up!” from yours truly as I chuck out $0.30. To be fair… you get the point. The hostess (or wife of the host, depending on how you look at it) was one of the players in my game. “Why do you have to raise it every time? OK, I call.” Fold, fold. Flop comes Q52, all spades. A quick check confirms that I have the Ace of Spades. Top pair, top kicker plus the flush draw.

Well now a lesser (inebriated) player would check to trap. I chose to “Raise it up!” ‘cause I’m the man. A bet of $0.30, or just under half the pot, seemed to smell just fishy enough to merit a call. “Call”. Bingo, I have a customer. Turn was an 8 of spades. I’ve got the nuts.

Now a little tomfoolery. “I check”. She checks behind. Damn, she doesn’t have a spade.

The river was the King of spades. 5 spades on the board. The pot was about $1.30. I’ve got a lock on the hand. How much to bet?

“Raise it up”. $2.00. Seems like an overbet from someone playing the board. “Fold.” Damn. Level 4 move on a Level 1 player.

Time to leave. Up $2.45 in about half an hour. Took my $2, left the $0.45 to the table and was back at home by 10. If I can translate my 24 big blind win in half an hour long term to a $2/$5 game, I can turn pro. Pipe dreams.

Silence

So, we've now been blogging for about a month. some more often than others, but at the end of the day if no one reads the blog, does it really exist? By the latest analysis which by all accounts is the number of people loading the website, we now have 3 people reading the blog on a reoccurring basis which means that not even all of us our doing it regularly, probably just ab's great aunt who doesn't get out of the house much.

I propose we turn the blog to what the people want. Porn, and I'm thinking there are a great number of porn websites out there so we have to be very specific with the type of porn and so after giving it great thought (okay, maybe just thoughts in the last 24 seconds) I think we should go with Deaf Girl - Blind Girl Porn. I just think it is probably an little heard from segment of the community and now whenever a Google searches for deaf blind porn we'll start racking in the hits.

Burma

So apparently Burma's still not letting us deliver supplies and food to their people. They've let us land some military planes there carrying food, but make us leave as soon as their unloaded. Confidence levels are low that the supplies that we're delivering are even reaching the people that need the help. Based on precedent, it's likely that the Burmese leaders are keeping and hoarding the supplies for themselves. Some people, including Mrs. ab, think that if the Burmese don't want help from us, maybe they'll accept help from another country, and we should support that. Not that I have any problem getting help to the people any way we can, but what good does it do any of us to further enrich the military leaders who are destroying their people. If they won't accept our help, eff them.

Burma won't allow US Navy in to help

Live Large

Moderation is for pansies. But watch that 3rd step... it's a doozie.

Blind Man

So I was on the way home today, and I passed by the National Center for the Blind, or something like that. It was a really cool looking building, with large windows and I'm sure it gets plenty of natural light. So I ask you, what's the point? They don't need natural light, they don't need windows. What are they going to look at? I'd think they'd need wall space.

Reminds me of one of my favorite jokes about a priest and a rabbi golfing. And the players in front of them were moving incredibly slowly. After a few holes, they asked the course marshal what was going on with the slow players. The marshal told them that it was a group of blind players. By listening to a sound, they could like up their shots, and apparently they were playing pretty well. The priest was very inspired by the golfers. He asked the marshal to arrange a meeting with them after the round, and felt that these golfers could be an inspiration to his church, showing that you shouldn't let anything stand in your way. The rabbi, however, was confused. "Wait, these are blind players, he asked." After the marshal confirmed it, the rabbi asked "And they can't play at night?"

F You All, You Dumb...Stupid...Other Countries...You

This was forwarded to me under the title "The Perfect Presidential Candidate." 2 of the 3 readers on the distribution list felt that it was very strongly Republican in nature. Presumably because it adopts a "Punch-you-in-the-mouth" overtone lobotomized from the typical Democrat psyche some time ago. As almost certainly the most right-leaning contributor to this blog (except on the issue of immigration, the reasons for which will become apparent), I thought I'd weigh in on my opinion of the above "speech."
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WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

' My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all Ameri can forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon ne chance, me z a mies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicl es located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of =20 thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess w here I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.'

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America .

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America . Thank you and good night. '

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a s oldier. (Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens!

Let's get this to every USA computer !)
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Summary
It's drivel and patently contradicts the very cornerstones upon which this great country was founded.

Taking it generally point-by-point.

Cease foreign aid if your country doesn't agree with our every opinion like the 5 countries on List 1. This standard doesn't survive marriages, friendships, or any other mutual-benefit relationship with only 2 individual participants. But let's expect it to work on the national level. Also, last time I checked, Spain pulled its Iraq troops in a dramatic gesture of "Dude, this was soooo wrong!".

But now, let's withdraw our troops because a country that has lived under tyranny for 3000+ years can't pull off democracy within the window of an election cycle. America, founded on a vision that all people are created equal, is the best example of a thriving democracy the world has ever known. It's taken us over 200 years starting from a blank slate to get here. And we've still got our pimples.

Cut off foreign aid to List 2 countries to pay for Iraq and then fix Social Security.
Yearly US Foreign Aid = +/- $23 Billion. (http://www.ipb.org/Israel%20and%20Egypt%20Receive%20Most%20US%20Military%20Aid.pdf, page 3. Note: This is the highest estimate of foreign aid out of several sources.)
Yearly Iraq War Cost = $144 Billion (http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory?id=4418698)
Social Security Shortfall = Net present value of benefits owed vs. taxes to be collected = $6.5 Trillion (http://www.heritage.org/Research/SocialSecurity/wm1868.cfm)
The author's supporting math to the "Stop Foreign Aid to Shore Up Social Security" proposition-


Need help with a famine? Sorry, your citizens are too crappy to withstand a military junta. Let 'em starve! I'm buying a boat.

(shamelessly pirated from FlatsHunter-- nice wurk)

And let's sever ties with France, Germany and Russia. But please ignore that Germany and France are our 5th and 8th largest trading partners. [I actually think we could live without #8,


but that's an essay for another day. For now, keep focus on the knee-jerk.] Let's also cut ties with Russia, what with one of the most differing government philosophies to our own on the planet. Never mind that they are starting to flex their fiscal might largely due to figuring out that oil is worth something. You don't support us, fine. I'm putting my hands over my face and you've all gone away.

And let's retire from NATO. Forget our membership in the UN, which like a python is making every attempt to strangle the sovereignty from every country more powerful than Angola. Let's focus on NATO, the only long term, multi-country conglomeration that has managed to accomplish anything (see winning that Cold War thingy.) Oh yeah, remember September 11th. It was shortly afterwards that the same NATO enacted Article 5-- "You hit one of us, you hit all of us... and we can make your country glow." NATO>UN for US interests.

I'll gloss over the fact that the author devotes more words to the "Tow the UN Diplomat's Car, that'll show them who's boss!" than to any other concept.

Oh, and Canada, your name isn't too far down on our list. Don't make us open this...





Guess we'll cut the $0 in foreign aid we give you. You're such leeches...
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/321891_katrina30.html

Close our borders now! Forget the "give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" precept upon which we were founded. That ended with the Irish. Now, "they're takin' our jobbbbs!"

"Soldier, I appreciate your service over the last 4 years in Iraq away from your family. I see Mercedes in your future."
"Right on, a Mercedes!"
"No, grunt. Mercedes, TX. I'm parking you in a tank on the Rio Grande so you can keep our workers safe from all them Mexicans!"

Withdraw from NAFTA = The Dum. Historically, the U.S. modus operandi is success through invention. Raw Materials + American Minds and Work Ethic = Superpower. NAFTA opens up largely tariff free access to raw materials from both Canada and Mexico (taking a few liberties on tariff free, but bear with me.) Basically, it says "We can all access the same materials and the same markets on roughly equal terms." This is right in our wheelhouse! Every country has finite physical resources. Untethered from that, it then has a capacity to create limited only by constraints on its populations' intelligence+drive and any further restraints imposed by the government (illegal, over taxed, over-regulated, etc.) The U.S. resume is filled with family trees beginning in America with an ancestor who said of his home country "I'm too constrained and too smart to stay here. I'm going to America." Our primordial soup was comprised of the driven and the smart. And now we're going to oppose being given cheaper access to another countries' natural resources and labor pool, the only finite holding any country really has, because we're afraid to match our brains and wits with theirs? Ridiculous! America is not defined by strong backs working for nominal wages. We should be cheering the export of brute labor and figuring out how to utilize our superior capacity to create-- relishing the fact that we can export the low-wage mindless component of industry and open up additional opportunities to invent here instead.

Go drill in Alaska. I don't care. It's short sighted and a relatively minor issue. I'll file in the same folder with the UN-car chop shop. Irrelevant. Darn tootin' I will.

And now let's rally around "We need to fix our own problems here first!"

Go on, monkey, rally!

OK, feel better? Now understand this. No one has to be hungry. No one has to be homeless. You've just got to want it. We have job assistance programs. Check the classifieds- someone's always looking for someone. Not 7 figure jobs, but jobs nonetheless. We have subsidized housing. Not mansions, but clean and affordable based on income. The deal is you have to show up for work every day. We have free schools, buses and lunches. You can give a better life to your children. Today. You just have to meet Uncle Sam half way. His hand is, and has always been, out to help anyone who dusts themselves off and says "Just give me a chance to make it myself."

On the flip side, the government doesn't owe you help fixing all of your problems. It owes you protection from unprovoked harm and a reasonably fair playing field. Everything else is applesauce.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read it in English, thank a soldier. Not my words. Not the words of the ignorant author either. But spot on, nonetheless.

In short, this is what I think of the author's efforts--

Untrumpeted Technology

Far too often we focus on what some may think are the more important technological innovations that this great country is generating. Electrical cars, nuclear power, supersonic jets, and cgi animation are but a few of these. Today, I'm proud to recognize an advancement that may have gone unnoticed in many areas of this country....Sunflower seeds.

That's right, sunflower seeds. Today at the gas station, I was shocked to see that sunflower seeds now come in a variety of flavors, in addition to original flavor. You can get bbq flavor, dill pickle (hello pregnant rednecks), ranch, nacho cheese, and jalapeno hot salsa. Now I didn't try any of these flavors (seriously?). I'm one of those that appreciate the classics, the finer things. I'm more than happy with original sunflower seeds, the kind people have been eating for hundreds of thousands of years (or 6,000 years, depending on your preference), the kind nurtured and raised by the sun, the kind my grandaddy ate.

At the same time though, it's a proud day in America where we can create such marvels.

Bar Fly Banter, Vol. 2- R.I.P Mr. Parakeet

(Editor’s note: Max Boom, while a Superdelagate in the American light beer arena, adheres to a strict “No Illegal Drug” policy.)

New vocabulary I learned while eavesdropping last night at the local watering hole:

Waterfalling – verb – To inhale smoke as follows: Immerse your hands in cold water. Remove them and extend out in front of you, palm side up with your pinkies in contact. Your hands should resemble a wet bowl with a “channel” running from the tip of your pinky, along the meat of your hand, ending at the wrist. Put the bottom of the channel (wrist end) to your mouth. Have a friend inhale deeply on his cannabis cigarette (or pipe, dugout, skull, or other bud-to-smoke conversion tool) and blow the smoke into the top of the channel at your pinkies. You inhale deeply at the bottom.

Gladhatting – verb – To inhale smoke as follows: Remove your Baller, Shot-Caller Starter hat. Turn bill-side up so that you are staring into the inside of your hat, like a catcher’s mitt. Put the hat over your face so that the bill is sticking up in the air. Make sure if you’ve still left the price and/or brand tag attached to your hat that it doesn’t interfere with the airtight nature of your new mask. Once again, have a friend inhale deeply on his cannabis cigarette. Lift the bill of the hat slightly away from your forehead and have friend blow smoke under the bill and into your mask. Inhale deeply.

And a final vocabulary lesson with a tragic twist:

Super winner barfly #1: “Remember the time you shotgunned your parakeet? Poor thing died on the spot?”

Super winner barfly #2: “Yeah, that was so wrong.”

Max: “Do you mean to imply that you shot a parakeet with a shotgun and were surprised at its very predictable and timely demise?”

Super winner barfly #1: “No, I mean with a joint.”

Max: “Well paint me dense, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Super winner barfly #1: “Shotgunning is where you turn the joint around in your mouth and kiss someone while blowing smoke into their mouth. He did it with his pet parakeet.”

And this is why I log the hours I do at the bar. To regale you, dear reader, with gems of wisdom such is “Between parakeet and human, shotgunning amuses only one”.

RIP, Mr. Parakeet, RIP.

Perfection

I saw a gentleman bowl a 300 two lanes down from me yesterday. 300. 12 straight strikes. By the 8th frame there was a small crowd. By the 10th everyone in the bowling alley was cheering around his lane. Every. Single. Person. I could have taken all the money in the cash register and no one would have noticed.

But I didn’t. And neither did anyone else.

Perfection is amazing. It's perfect. You become immersed in it. In some small way, we were all up there bowling strike after strike. It’s a glow that makes whatever dirty bills and cheap coins I could have taken seem trivial. When he hit the final strike, I saw strangers giving each other high-fives and pats on the back. We did it!

Not many activities offer “perfect” as an attainable goal. A 59 in golf can always be beaten by a 58. A perfect 10 in gymnastics is still subjective. All it requires is that 7 judges agree that the routine was tough enough and was performed with no apparent flaws. But there’s always a better routine.

I was perfect once. December 5, 2005. Microsoft Hearts.














My co-workers, however, failed to embrace the glow.

Man vs. Wild

We here at Real Ultimate Engineers take pride in being able to recognize other Real Ultimate performers. Today we recognize Bear Grylls, the star of Man vs. Wild.

Today, Bear was in Namibia. Now water and food are both scarce in the Namibian desert. What would you or I do? Probably eat whatever dry crappy plants you could find. Not Bear. A puff adder, one of the most dangerous snakes in Africa, looked tasty to him. Bear approached this snake, having enough venom to kill 5 men, pulled it out from under a rock with a stick, and hit it on the head until it was dead. He then cut the head off (the head with the fangs was still deathly poisonous) and took a bite of the raw flesh where its head just was. After taking two bites of the snake's body, he cooked the thing and finished it.

When he finally caught up with the African tribesmen he was looking for, he and they tracked down a porcupine that had buried itself deep in it's burrow. Bear and the tribesmen dug down until they could crawl into this thing (think rabbit holes in Vietnam). This porcupine charged Bear, and he backed off, stepped on the porcupine to hold it down (he was wearing shoes, but the quills were like 18" long), and put a stick through its head to kill it. Good eating.

Tomorrow, Bear is somewhere else equally terrible. The preview looked like a swamp, but I didn't catch where it is. Anyway, he catches a small alligator (by small, I mean 3 feet long) by its tail, and kills it by swinging it by the tail to smash its head on a tree. Now that's hardcore.

Mr. Vice President

I'm one of those who believe the primary season is over and we're going to be seeing a McCain vs. Obama election in the fall. With that understood, I think both have real negative that they will need to overcome to prevail and I think they should turn to reality tv to find their vice president selection. I think the following would all be good choices:

1) Flavor Flav - Flavor of Love
PROS: Would add some flava to a McCain campaign. Catchy, "Yeah, BOYEEEEE!" campaign slogan already in place. His 7 children could help stuff envelopes and other campaign duties. No better hype man has ever existed. Always prompt because of the big clock around his neck.

CONS: "Fight the Power" song might come back to haunt him if he is the Power.

2) Gordon Ramsey - Hell's Kitchen
PROS: He can handle the heat in the kitchen. Not afraid to call someone a bloody idiot if they need it. Could really increase moral at the state department by each time he said something about foreign diplomacy, they would all shout, "Yes, Mr. President."

CONS: He is Scottish, so you'd have to get around the constitution. He currently has 20+ restaurants that he is involved with along with the tv shows, so his time might have to be split up a little.

3) Tim Gund - Project Runway

PROS: Father was an FBI agent. Along with Flavor Flave above, comes with own campaign slogan that is well known, "Make it Work" (you could add in "For AMERICA"). You could get Heidi Klum staying in the Lincoln bedroom.

CONS: Not sure he relates to the "bitter" blue collar West Virginians that the candidates keep talking about. Fabulous clothes for everyone.

4) Ryan Seacrest - American Idol
PROS: This fella knows how to work - he currently has his American Idol gig, his daily radio show in LA, hosts red carpet events, replaced Dick Clark on his rockin' new years eve show and numerous other events. He's the poster boy for metrosexuality. The millions and millions of votes that the American Idol singers get has to translate into a few million votes.

CONS: Would have to find someone new for Simon to flirt with on A.I. John Edwards no longer is the pretty boy of politics.

5) Hulk Hogan - Hogan Knows Best
PROS: The Hulkamaniacs would run wild over the opponent. Would definitely appeal to the "bitter". If his reputation can get his little talent daughter a shot at a recording contract, then winning the election should be easy.

CONS: Not sure he can wear the pull off shirts on Air Force One. His above mentioned daughter would want to sing at all the white house events. His divorce is probably going to end up pretty messy.

So that's the list, my preference would be to see a McCain/Flav ticket going up against an Obama/Hogan. It's only then that we can talk about the real issues and not all the petty bickering that we've had up to date.

Max Boom Down Under

Max Boom recently returned from a trip down under, where he had a great time in the fall weather. Oh yea, he did have one legal issue while he was down there...

Driver Buckles Beer in Car...But not Child

Bar Fly Banter, Vol. 1

So I was having a pleasant conversation with Ms. Fire at the local watering hole when the following exchange came up—

Max: “Man, I met some pretty wealthy people at this conference I attended. People with $6 Million liquid, to say nothing of the vastly greater wealth tied up in their various investments. Pretty sharp folks.”

Ms: [says nothing, cannot stop ogling my manly mustache.}

Eavesdropping Barfly: “Yup, it takes money to make money.”

And pan out to 60,000 feet.

Now I know this gentleman. He’s a Semi-Regular. My definition of a Regular is someone there more often than I, and a Semi-Regular as someone whom I’ve seen more than 20 times. For the record, there are fewer than 6 Regulars by my definition.

Let’s take a step away and give a little more info on the bar, as it provides a primary backdrop for many of my anecdotes. It’s your stereotypical sports bar—not a chain, but a stand alone establishment. They have Bud Select on tap. For me. They have a Christmas party every year for their staff. Ms. Fire and I got one of 10 "Favored Patrons" invites. I rocked Eminem on the Karaoke. Damn, this is turning more into a resume of my awesomeness than a bio on the bar.

Linearly thinking, the bar Regular and Semi-Regular patrons range through a wonderful blend of semi-successful business folks with an affliction, blue collar toilers with a habit, and bumbling mental trilobites with a problem. I love all of my marionettes equally. Mr. “It takes money to make money” definitely tends towards the obtuse end of the spectrum—every 95th percentile needs its 5th I suppose.

Now I don’t usually engage in any mental sparring with patrons who, in my opinion, would likely fail debate against animals I have eaten. Usually. Unless they A) unprovoked, knock one of my favored football teams or B) interrupt Ms. Fire’s stroking of my supple mane. He chose B).

Max: “What exactly does that mean, ‘It takes money to make money’?”

Barfly: “Well, if you want to build an apartment building you gotta have the money to build it.”

Max: “So, if you woke up with $6 Million liquid, what would you do?”

Barfly: “Well, you sure wouldn’t see me showing up for work at the garage tomorrow.”

Max: “So you’d quit your current job. Then?”

Barfly: “I’d probably move to the Bahamas and never work again.”


I acknowledged his piercing business acumen and promptly returned to my cups.

So I offer a simple bit of advice. If you, reader 5 of 13, or any of the other 12 of you, come up to me and mindlessly recite the underachieving mantra “It takes money to make money,” I’ll kick you square in the shin. In my experience, it hurts much worse than a punch in the nose. Of secondary benefit is that your lawsuit’s gonna look pretty darn silly.

Baptism

So I went to my first baptism today, and of all the questions that I had, two seemed appropriate for this forum:

1) Should a deacon be concerned about what seemed to me to be obvious signs of possession? In this case, following the dousing of the baby (a different one than the one I was there to see), the baby cried uncontrollably. And this is after the exorcism took place. That's right, an exorcism, although not as hardcore as in the movie, but apparently the devil was trying for these babies prior to the service. Anyway, the deacon didn't seem concerned at all that this baby was reacting so badly to the holy water.

2) What measures are put in place to keep the holy water sanitary? When watching the end of the mass, I saw no less than 30-40 people dip fingers in this pool of water. Some of these people were children, and who knows where there hands have been. Then, for the three baptisms that took place, all the water to sprinkle on the kids came out of this pool, and the water that washed off of their heads went right back in. I saw no evidence of any hand-wash or other cleaning solution. And as still water, it seemed ripe for some sort of bacterial infestation. The father of the baptised baby, himself a university trained biologist, hypothesized that the "holy" water was antibacterial, antiviral, and antibiotic, based simply on the blessing. In my mind, we need to send some priests to Burma to bless the heck out of the water there, because they are badly in need of some clean water.

12 Pack Review, #1 - Resident Evil, Apocolypse

Hot chick
She drops gun and then catches on way down defying gravity to kill 2 bad guys
Kills Super human awesomely
Town is nuked, she deliberately catches schrapnel in chest to save girl
She of course lives
Black guy in appropriate stereotypically roll as pimp - name is docter julius morrow, you can call me jm
dumb people generally get killed
dramatic bad guy death (thrown off back of helicopter, shoots 9 bullets at zombies, goes to commit suicide, forget gun only holds 9 bullets.)
top 5 list hot lead, doesn't get introduced until last 40 minutes
good looking filler girls in between.
alice-my name is alice.
breaks out at end-epic 2nd finale where more bad guys get killed.

Special bonus: Ms. Fire also enjoys

"An Ode to Sunrise" by My Tree

“Oh beautiful sun, ascending on the horizon,
Your glimmering rays drying dew on my limbs,
Shine forth..”

[chirp]

“Ahem, shine forth your golden..”

[chirp chirp]

“YOU. DOWN THERE. SHUT YOUR LITTLE BEAK!”

[groans, branch moves a fraction of an inch, bird unmoved]

[chirp]

“Hrrrrrumph!”

[acorn drops near bird, it flutters off]

“Right. Now...where were we--
Your glimmering rays drying dew on my limbs,
Shine forth your golden light upon my leaves
And embrace..

[garage door opens]

“For the love of dirt, KEEP IT DOWN!”

[Max Boom walks out with pruning shears]

“What’s this? Wait. No. NOOOOO! EEEEEOOOOOWWWWW! Not that one too. AAAAARRRGHHH!”

[passes out]

[bark lids flutter some hours later]

“My beautiful limbs...so short now…neutered. Butcher is…tying me... up?

[passes out again, more hours pass]

“Oh sun, you leave for the day. Our dance was too short. Tomorrow our affair resumes anew. For now, darkness falls and I must rest. Adieu..”

[garage door opens]

“Stay away! You heathen! You psychopath! Stay away!”

[Max walks to side of house. Tree notices orange tether running from trunk to outlet.]

“What the deuce?”

[Max plugs in cord, Christmas lights illuminate]

“Idiot. You pea-brained cretin! It's May! Oh F-me…”

Gordon welcomes The Pink Spiders, sorry.

As a avid TV'er, I'm constantly watching for that point in "my" shows to jump the shark and regretfully it happened this week on Hell's Kitchen. I know you're saying to yourself, "Self, how can a reality show jump the shark, there is no writing and no script, it's just live and besides it's a cooking reality show and so it's just about the guy yelling at cooks and them cooking." You would be wrong. At the top of the list of moments of the shark jump, you'll find Random Band or musician performing at a moment that makes no point or progresses any story. Also on the list could be needless celebrity guest, or surprise death to side character, or side character moving out of town, etc. Anyway, after the girl's birthday dinner, Gordon tells her she has a surprise outside and so you think she's getting some sweet ride ala My Super Sweet Sixteen over on MTV, but no it's some random band called The Pink Spiders performing and thus Gordon Ramsey could be seen just like Fonzie jumping over the giant aquarium in the parking lot of Al's Diner and that's too bad because his shows on the BBC are really good and I would think he can do good TV.

Attention Getting Protests

Protest signs, construction paper, felt, magic markers? Those are for amateurs. If you really want to get noticed while you're protesting, whether it be against the world bank, the Olympics in China, or higher gas prices, use a deer.

Not only is it unique and therefore guaranteed to get attention, it's also environmentally friendly and biodegradable.

http://www.wsmv.com/news/16168427/detail.html

Blood Donation

So I went to donate some blood today, since my eight weeks have come around again. While they're getting started, taking some early tests and asking questions, they took my blood pressure. She asked me to roll up my sleeve so that she could put on the blood pressure cuff. Now I felt pretty good about the gun show, having played a grueling three-game softball tournament this weekend, so I went right ahead and rolled up the sleeve.

She applied the cuff, tried to pump it up a few times, and it wasn't working. I'm sorry, she said, we're going to have to get you the kid's size. Ouch

Max Boom Revealed

USA Today outed Max Boom to all of internet-land as 67-year old Illinois resident Bill Bramanti. Though the article makes no reference to his blog, this article could only be about him.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2008-05-04-beer-coffin_N.htm

Max Boom vs. Odds

I love poker.

Last night, I lost 6 out of 8 hands where I was 80+ percent favorite when the money went in. One I won. The other I tied.

It happens.

I love poker because it makes me think. Any schmuk can get lucky and change history. Bring it.

David loses to Goliath 7 out of 8. Poor Goliath’s number came up.

It happens.

I won big tonight. 2 full buy-ins at $0.05/0.10. $20 total, if you’re keeping score. Not much. But I trust in God.

Over an infinite time span, he's a big fan of statistics. I think he's a fan of Max Boom, because I put his model to good use.

I couldn’t be happier that David hit his 4-outer.

I won tonight.

I’m glad the Big Man didn’t will any sling-borne stones through my armor.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Went out to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall the other night, and despite what some people may think (Max Boom), there is no shame to be had or masculinity to be lost in seeing this movie. However, Max's comment gives me an idea for all you out there. If your wife, girlfriend, etc. believes that this is a chick flick, jump on and take full credit for accompanying her to the movie of her choice.

Anyway, this is another Judd Apatow movie, who was behind such movies as Superbad, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Knocked Up. Forgetting Sarah Marshall measures right up with the rest of those, and probably ties for the best of the lost with The 40 Year Old Virgin. I literally laughed out loud a dozen times.

Jason Segel wrote and starred in this movie, and it's a perfect fit for him. Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars, Heroes) plays the girlfriend that breaks up with him, and Mila Kunis (smoking hot in the movie) is the girl that he falls in love with after realizing things are truly done with the old girlfriend. I would rate this movie 43 out of 45 stars.

Also saw I Am Legend. That one's a weird one. Don't see it.

Winthrop, Dial 9-1-2!

I am a siren racist. Or at the very least a siren stereotyper. What I mean specifically is that when I hear a siren—be it police, ambulance, or fire truck—I judge. If I’m in the low-rent part of town and I hear the wailing, I’m confident some gang-banger just got what he deserved. Suburbia = soccer mom in a fender bender. Ambulance turning into a trailer park either means ol’ Agnes’ ticker finally gave out or Daryl added a little too much ammonia to his batch and went BOOM!

So on my drive home, mind wandering around the bluffs I was going to pull in my weekly game, I passed some waterfront compound lit up like… hell I don’t know, like what I’d imagine if OJ Simpson was discovered naked atop a flag pole with a gun to his head. Even the fire chief’s truck was there, lights a-spinnin’.

There’s no need to elaborate on the stereotype. Something bad happened to someone big. And if you’re hoping for a conclusion, I don’t have one. My trusty sidekick Bud kindly noted that stopping to chat with the cops was probably a “negative expected value” move.

So why even bring it up? Well, somewhere, someone in the emergency response community must have a list. On this list are names. On the top of this list, I imagine, are directions to the effect:

“If any below-named individual meets with unfortunate circumstances, SEND EVERYBODY!”

For all I know, this Mr. Important (or Mrs., I suppose, if the list is long enough) was having pet problems.

“Winthrop, darling, Lady Madeline is stuck in the live oak again.”
“Very well, Ursula, I’ll dial 9-1-2.”

I want to be on that list.

The Martyr

An interesting fact—Air Tran will no longer accept cash for their beer or cocktails. Only a credit card which they swipe right there in the aisle. It’s like "1984" and I for one am not amused. The sole reason to use cash is to blissfully lose track of absolute consumption. Now on my credit card bill at the end of the month, my affliction will be staring me back in $5 increments.

A second interesting fact is that the stewards/stewardesses are not allowed to sell beer during the plane's final descent. “No sh!t, Sherlock!” any red-blooded, beer swilling American is probably saying to themselves. However, when I politely inquired whether their policy specifically prohibited “serving” or just “selling”, he looked bewildered. So I asked if he could “serve” me a beer in return for my patronage over the last 3 hours? “Umm, let me see what I can do.” Well, the steward returned with a free Bud Select for your’s truly. It was in a different color can than the x * $5 beers I’d had already (x=1 to mom, x>4 to God.) Checking the born on date confirmed my suspicions. September 7, 2007. The numerous dents in his can gave insight into his story.

I had in my hand a fermented gladiator. I've long suspected that when a plane arrives at a new terminal welcoming passengers to [insert crappy city name here], with a sign proclaiming said sh!thole the greatest city in the country, that when the beverage cabinet was restocked and the cabinet door closed, a melee ensued. Cans and bottles jockey for position, all fighting for what Rosie Parks protested against-- a seat at the back of the bus. Landing after landing, my beer fought his way to the back, elbowing out Pepsi’s and shouldering the Miller Lites. When the door reopened mid flight, this aluminum armored warrior had once again won the battle to the back of the cabinet. He was no whore, waiting to be sold to the first bidder. He wanted to live, damn it! 48 states, 90 cities, his scars would not be peddled in vain.

But he knew his days were numbered. He had a purpose, after all, and time was no friend to that. As I looked at my reflection in the dented mirror he offered me, I knew he had chosen his time. Not bought, but gifted. Not to some passenger who couldn’t decide between a vodka-cranberry or a “light beer”. No, he gave himself to a disciple. He didn’t go out sipped quietly at 36,000 feet, but instead savored in an unpermissed communion. His last blood was spilled in a fury of speed as the pilot hit reverse-thrust at touchdown, one finger (or pull-tab, as the case may be) raised in protest to the man.

He was waiting for me.